On August 29th 2015 .... I came to a place in my life where some changes began to take place ..... (seeing Seeking Truth part # 2)
On February 5th & 6th 2016 ..... I entered another phase in my life .... For several days I have again been wrestling with emotions, feelings and such ..... My job has been on the high end of drama central, and I have had to pretend I am watching a drama show on TV and detach from all personal emotions, feelings, opinions etc etc .....
Five days a week I work, breathe and sit in a "fish bowl" so to speak .... I am the complaint department, the counselor, the "bad guy", the "good guy" the coordinator, the Ear and the Shoulder for anyone who needs an ear or shoulder ..... a babysitter, "Mom" .... the "Advice Giver" .... The Referee, and any other hat that may be needed by someone .... and it's not because I chose to play the roles .... it is the job it's self that brings all these hats on my head to bear. Then there is my actual job ..... book keeping, payroll, reports, finances, janitor ..... and occasionally a maintenance person.
Five days a week I "suck it up" put on a smile .... (or at least try to ... ) dress up .... and try to appear and act professional for the world I live in. Five days a week I live, breathe and function as "the top of the heap" so to speak ..... there is no one else .... There's no living breathing human being to confide in, talk to, discuss problems, issues, and situations ..... there's no ear to bend or shoulder to lean on .... there's no debriefing rooms to unload, there's no company counselor to go talk to, there's no ONE .....
My only resource is Prayer! ..... a.k.a. talking to God. ...... and yes He does answer but sometimes ..... sometimes the roar of the week, the storms that roll in, and the waves of human suffering, human error, human stubbornness, human emotions are so loud they overwhelm me and I have to fight to hear that still small voice speaking ......
Then add to that "MY LIFE" ..... that's my family and those I am close to .... add to that the normal daily things that occur in any family .... housework, laundry, bill paying, feeding, walking & doctoring animals and for us it is getting one or two wheelburrow loads of wood a night no matter if your sick, cold, hurting in pain, or wore out and hauling it into the house and stacking it by the wood stove). Then add your kids, add your parents, add your siblings, add some grandchildren, and extended family, .... throw in a few pets, a mortgage, medical bills, health issues, and you have just your every day run of the mill life for us as we know it .....
Adding to this my step mom who is skitzophrenic and now has dementia who lives with us and I take care of and "Gpa" an elderly man who I agreed to help take care of because he had no one .... So add two people who are totally dependent on me for everything ...... doctor & medical needs appointments, hair appointments, groceries, bills, laundry, .. you name it .... to my already full schedule.
...... and up till a month or so ago ..... add two more days a week (that's the weekend) where I was getting involved in my new church ...... Saturdays was Ladies Prayer then of course Sunday .... church ..... I was doing good with the skirts and no earrings "thing" ..... I was doing what pleased those that were my new "Acquaintances ..... I wouldn't truthfully say "FRIEND over anyone ....
(I use the word "friend" very sparingly .... Yes I do have a real friend; her and I have been friends for 25 years .... sometimes when you have the real thing you just judge all others by this relationship.) ...... anyway .... we had some really bitter cold weather .... and yes I had been doing the skirt thing .... But .... finally one Friday night to Saturday morning our house was so cold my lower legs felt like ice sickles all night and by Saturday morning I was chilled to the bone .... I called our Ladies Prayer Leader and ask her if it would be a problem if I wore pants because I was freezing and couldn't bare to change out of the pants I had on ..... she said "You can wear whatever you feel you need to sister" ..... SO I DID ..... a shifting of the attitudes occured that day .... from being "embraced" to being shunned!! ..... from kindness to outright biting words, replies and sharp comments ..... WHOA??!! Then there was church .... I thought .... I hoped it was my imagination ..... but the stand off behavior has continued even though I wore a skirt the following Saturday and always wear skirts to church .... the treatment was still the same. ....... and I realize she is just one person ..... BUT ..... she was the one person I usually went to, to talk ..... like so many other churches ...... the "locals" and the "family line" tend to "click" and if you are outside the circle ...... God help you ...... 8 months of trying to fit in attending dinner's, functions and what have you 8 months of sitting at a table or being told to find another table because that table was saved ....... 8 months of putting myself out there, 8 months of holding my hand out for a "friend" ?? ...... 8 months and "the net" is still empty ......
TILL THEY ALL COLLIDE AND YOU ARE TRAPPED IN THE MIDDLE WITH NO WHERE TO TURN OR GO ..... at 60+ years of age I have come to a point where I am just about over trying.
.... Since this incident ..... my pants have gone back on for the most part .... I do wear skirts to church out of respect for the Pastor .... and during the holidays my hubby ask that I don my earrings .... he thought they looked better in then out. .... so all said and done .... my earrings are back in during the week. ........ God is still speaking to me .... despite my choices of wearing my earrings and pants .... again ..... and ..... I am seriously considering becoming a RECLUSE 2 DAYS A WEEK @ LEAST!
