Facing the "BIG NO" in your heart.

      For every human there comes a time and season in your life when the 

"BIG NO" happens in your heart.  

Ok .... so what is the BIG NO? It can be anything from a still small voice to a deafening scream ..... when you have come to the end of your rope, any rope, an emotional trail, a relationship, a human experience,a set circumstances that YOU KNOW IT IS TIME TO GIVE IT UP OR STOP AND WALK AWAY!!
     Mine took place today April 26th 2014 @ 3:19PM. It was one of those unexpected still small voice experiences that startled me and brought me to write this down. I had laid down to take a nice Saturday afternoon nap ... slept good and awoke to being held "in position" on my right side by our faithful dogs curled up around me. I reached out to pat Cobi my 85 lb Black Lab - Blue Heeler mix who was sprawled out with his head on the pillow next to me and pressed along my back. Dezi my little Min-Pin was curled up in front of me by my chest and Abby our 65 lb Akita-Shepherd mix was sprawled along my legs in front of me, and Molly our 65 lb chocolate Lab was sprawled by my legs in back of me, and yes .....  my hubby was on the other side of the bed snoozing too (and yes we have a king size bed to accommodate them all). It was then that MOMENT OCCURRED when the still small voice said ..... NO MORE!!!  NO more people .... no more animals ...... and I said YES, I agree   no more ...... I have spent my life rescuing animals and people ..... or I should say trying to rescue people and animals ..... 
     The BIG NO has been taking place in centimeters inches and feet then to leaps, bounds and strides anyway over the last several months. The releasing of my "Family of 5"was physically, emotionally and mentally draining to a point of physical illness. I spent 3 days very ill, with the 3rd day collapsed in bed, unable to function! ..... I can no longer do this ....... God knows and now so do I. 
    My job dealing with the public demands humanity, compassion, tenacity, and hard core views on rules and regulations. Sometimes your heart can get in the way between humanity and hard core views. It has been a hurdle I have been training to jump over for a decade or two ...... I refused to give up on myself and I knew God hadn't either as the years rolled by and the training courses kept coming ......... EASY has not been a word anywhere near describing what I have been through. When your heart is full of love and compassion for all living creatures, and your love of nature moves you to rescue bugs, plants and what have you ..... your in for a long difficult road where life is concerned. I am now facing my "elder years" and yes it is OK to get older ...... this fixation and misconception of YOUTH ...... is greatly over rated.
     So back to the BIG NO moment ....... what does it mean to me? It will mean redefining who I am, what I am and which track my life is going to continue on. It will mean new adventures and new journey's down new paths I haven't been down, It will mean new feelings and new experiences that may be foreign to me. It may mean more changes in the attitude department (SIGH .. UGH!!) BUT ..... I am positive of one thing ..... This has been ordered by my Heavenly Father and He is totally capable of seeing me through any changes He has set in motion.

Creative Thoughts

     Easter ..... for some it is chocolate bunnies & easter eggs ..... for others it is just another day .... then there are those of us from mainstream Christian homes that are more traditional. I am not a traditionalist
     Actually I am always looking for a new refreshing angle to old things ..... sometimes ...... more often then not it can take you outside of the box of normal thinking.
   To those of you who have suffered depression, lived through tough times, then everyone seemed to turn against you, and faced loosing everything ..... as I comtemplated the Easter story I ask God to help me get a "new angle" on an old message. I read "He has risen, victory in Jesus, He's coming again ...... But there is a lot we miss when we don't take time to consider the hours between Gethsemane & the Resurrection. Jesus suffered depression!, Jesus experienced everyone He loved abandoning Him in his most deperate hours because they didn't take Him seriously, Jesus faced the worst trial in His "human walk" and He knew what was to come and why. He knew "Dad" would turn His back on Him in His most desperate final moments ...... Then the reality of the human side of it all struck .... betrayal, mockery, pain, injustice, Peter's vehement exclaimations of denial, despite Jesus warning him...... and depression, heavy burdensome thoughts and heartache ..... stretched Jesus to the max! ......... Then the cross to have Father dump every concieveable disease and malady upon His already beaten body .... so that we .... who often fail to appreciate what He truly did or even take time to consider that He did it for us ... you and me and the price He paid ..... so we could experience Life! ..... Isaiah 53:5
But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed....... So there is someone who has experienced everything and anything you could possibly go thru today and He is there waiting with His hands out for anyone who needs Him ......

Ponderings about Youth

   Pondering on things in life and came to a realization ...... Sometimes we have to travel "our youth" far from what we had to understand that, what we had was what we needed all along ...... 
   Youth .... what is this word anyway? .... this is going to be a "Me" definition and not from the dictionary .... Youth is a fleeting, "age defining concept" that is totally left in the eye of the beholder.
I can say I am not a youth anymore .....
      My youth extended from my childhood until I was well into my 40's ...... that is to say ..... my youthful emotions and zeal were intact and operational ..... the exact age they started to wain, take leave, flounder, exit the stage of youth was a process of several years.  
      I am a proud 59 now ...... and on count down to the glorious age of 60 ..... in about 4 months give or take a few days or weeks ...... which brought me to pondering this thing called YOUTH .... and if you are not totally familiar with this word "pondering or ponder" it is that same as wondering except wondering is a faster paced walk into our imagination where pondering is a "slower, take time to smell the roses walk and even occasionally stopping to sit and contemplate on things ...... So all said and stated clearly .... I have been PONDERING ...... I am not looking these up in the dictionary because I really am not interested in it's definitions today of my renditions of "wonder & ponder" .... I like my explanations better ...... LOL 
    What brought me to this place is church ...... yep, ... thinking on church ..... I grew up in the north. Church was a sanctified religious experience every Sunday. You reverently walked into the sanctuary quietly and with great awe. As if you were expecting God to show up any second and judge your behavior. That was my childhood rendition and view. As I approached my 20's I began leaning more towards the hype and noise thing ..... Charismatic in nature ..... and I found what i was looking for ..... and thus I began my adventurous journey in the various charismatic area churches. Then I came south ..... Boisterous & spontaneous .... is the words that come to mind ..... the sanctuary was a place of running laughing children, talking adults and noise ..... and that's DURING THE SERVICE ...... whew!! at first it was entertaining, then it went to annoying FAST!!  ...... only one church I attended in the south I can honestly say adhered to reverence in the sancturay to a point ...... @ least the kids and adults were quiet during the service.
     Which brings me to my ponderings this morning ...... what do I miss most? You got it ...... the reverent quietness as you walk into the sanctuary on Sunday morning where you can spend some time unloading your cares of the day, and sit in prayer and quiet before God and prepare your heart for what God is going to do that day in the service ..... and per-chance seek God and what He would have you give.

When devastation happpens on the heals of tragedy.

      Devastation ..... "to make desolate, destroy, ravage, waste" .....  thanks to the dictionary again ..... this is what occured to my last thread bare emotion within the last week. On the first Saturday of this month (April 5th 2014) my mom lost her home to a fire ..... then the following Thursday April 10th   turned into a nightmare of sorts by the end of the evening also.
      About a year ago I took in a woman I have known for about 10 years, pick her up from jail and brought her into my home.  Then approxiamately 3 weeks later I took in 3 of her kids and her boyfriend .... the father of the two youngest. They have lived here in my home until two days ago .......
     The pain of this story is again like when I heard about my mothers place when it burned ....  I am feeling helpless and emotionally ravaged by the incident that took place Saturday night. Ms. D wanted to borrow my phone, her's didn't have any talk time left. I knew she had been texting her daughter, so I assumed she was calling her ...... WRONG ..... she called the father of her two youngest kids. ........ He has been having an affair that she was aware of & has been tolerating for a year now ...... Back in February 2014, I had, had enough .... I wasn't tolerating him "sleeping" (actually they weren't sleeping and he would stay up all night with her ) then coming home and crawl into bed with Ms. D, only to get woke up within a hour or two and treat his kids and Ms. D horribly ..... In February I gave Mr SL an ultimatum ..... Ms D or the other woman, he wasn't carrying on with both and live in my home. It was affecting all of us in bad ways! ..... His sleep depravation and mood swings were taking it's toll on him and us! For a week before his March 1st dead line I had given him time to make a "choice by" and a week afterwards he did great & everyone thought he was doing OK ...... he told us he had decided to pick the babies mama ..... wrong!! he went right back to the other woman ..... I finally told him he had to be out by April 8th! He moved out with our help ..... Ms. D was having "withdrawal symptoms" from him but seemed to be coping with his decision. ...... Then April 10th .... Thursday  night happened! She made the phone call to Mr.SL  and the barrage of filth and foulness emitted from her mouth ...... when she was done I said to her she needed to let him go and get on with her life. (these type of phone calls had been a norm between them for a long time ...... ) I told her I knew what she was going through because I went through it too and she needed to take the higher road for her kids .... and God would bless her ..... that's when the filth and foulness continued to come out of her mouth!  Her voice turned to a growl and she said "I don't believe in your "f-n" God" .... this type of talk continued despite me telling her to stop and do not disrespect my beliefs in my own home. If she didn't believe it was her choice but she was not to disrespect my beliefs!! ...... she continued ..... her 13 yr old daughter came out and wanted to know what was going on ..... when her mother said it was because she "didn't believe ....... " Missy L said "well I don't either" ...... then I told Ms. D she could find other accomodations and had to move by May 1st. ...... She began saying it was Ok she had a boyfriend ..... then Missy L ask her mom where she was going ..... Ms. D said back to your father ..... then Missy L became frightened and ask about the babies (they are 4 & 5 years old) she said back to foster care and I don't care ...... (The babies spent 1 year in foster care and had been returned in March of last year ..... ) 
      Needless to say I am devastated emotionally that she would have so much hatred & that her kids mean so little that she would be willing to condemn them to this fate again. The father is possibly into drugs again and out there ...... (one of the factors why I ask him to leave!) 
      They moved out Monday night April 14th 2014 and I haven't seen the kids since. ........ I suspect within a short time they will be removed from their mother. I have become physically ill from all this and pray for recovery emotionally, & physically. It has been one of the most tramatic decisions I have had to make in my lifetime.

The Tragic Release of Memories

    Sometimes tragedy can release things in you ....... I have been talking about attitudes lately ..... and the attitudes that occur when something devastating suddenly happens to rattle us to our very core.
I have posted pictures on my other blog "And Suddenly" but here I am going to just talk about all those feelings that have happened in the last 24 hours. I recieved a call from my daughter @ 11:01AM yesterday that my mother's home was on fire. My 81 year old Mom lives 750 miles away and her home is where she has lived for almost 50 years. Thankfully she was not at home at the time.
    My first reaction was I fell totally apart, then as I recovered and began helping my daughter make phone calls and text's to other family members ..... I kept thinking .... this is a dream and I will wake up and it will all be not true. ...... As I got onto Facebook and had photo's sent to my phone reality set in. I felt totally helplesss and then exhausted. Then I went numb ...... I think it is a factor God installs in us to help us through the rough times.
     ATTITUDES  .... they were still here ... my view of the world, life and others dictated my responses.  Others that live in my house were effected by this event. My attitudes slammed into my emotions and my emotions slammed into my vocal cords, which slammed into my voice, which activated ....... SIGH !! ...... WORDS! ...... emotionally charged words and reaponses.
     God was good! This happened on Saturday when everyone had things to do and left the house and I had the day to myself ...... Thank You God for helping out by not allowing me to damage others with this chain reaction of my grief!
    When you have difficulties or face extremely emotionally charged times ... the ATTITUDES you hold dear, protect and covet can warp out of shape in a heartbeat and cause untold damage. 
It is so important to become aware of things you think, views you have and the very emotions that you use to respond to a certian set of circumstances. Then have a heart to heart talk with God about them and heand them over to Him to help you change. 
   

Two "Me's"

          There is within each of us at least two personalities. The inside you who can keep you awake at night with play by play happening from time gone by and the outside you who has to make a choice to either listen to that inside "other" or DO SOMETHING!! ..... Lately I have chosen to get up no matter what time it is and grab a book to read. These disturbances can occur at anytime between going to bed and morning. Mine generally seem to occur around 1:30 AM to 3AM. ....... Once up I go fix a cup of hot drink, *Cafix, coffee, tea or hot cocoa (Cafix is a wonderful caffeine free coffee flavored drink made from all natural ingredients found it on the net)
     My inside "Me" tends to waves of attitudes and emotions. Every circumstance and happening that permeates my inner self is ran through a sort of filter. Layers of ATTITUDES and EMOTIONS.  Each circumstance and happening is washed around and tumbled through this process, like stones in a gem tumbler. Smoothing off rougher edges and clarifying the incidents to me in categories.
    The First Layer of Filter is my Emotions. Every God given feeling that I was blessed with lays inside this area of my life.  Every incident that my ears and eyes take in and sometimes my nose is categorized and submitted through the area of filter that seems to fit best. There are times that these incidents come to me distorted, I only see or hear a small portion of happening or circumstance and yet I process it as is.  These puzzle pieces I try to place in the "Puzzle Box" area of my life and not let it pass to the Attitude Filter area. As God has revealed this function He has given me and I have become more familir with this side of my brain I am learning to not allow these PARTIAL INCIDENTS to get into the Attitude area.
     The Second Layer of Filter is my Attitudes.

Magnitudes of Attitudes

      Magnitudes of Attitudes ..... a tongue twister if you say it fast enough ..... I love to look up meanings in the dictionary so I am going to tear apart the word "ATTITUDE" = #1) a disposition or manner towards a person or thing ... #2) position of the body appropriate to an action, purpose or  emotion.
     I can guess about others ..... but I only can share in truth about me ..... My definition according to "Me" is: an ATTITUDE is:
#1) An incident, happening, occurrence, circumstance, life event, moment, idea, ideal or motive ..... that
      causes ...........
#2)  A thought to occur, happens, suddenly hits you, that fly's by, sloths off, drips off your back like
       water on a duck, lodges, takes up residence, grows roots,  or ........
#3) That gives way to a certain facial expressions,  body stances or actions, reactions or lack thereof .....
       due to #1

When a continual series of things happen in rapid succession, there comes a point when you become over whelmed, flooded, and you begin to drowned in emotional carnage from ATTITUDES you may not neccessarily want but nonetheless have been hit with. You may find thoughts and ideas coming at you from some weird place in outer space that "little green aliens" have implanted in your brain! ....... OK OK ..... so you aren't buying the "little green alien" theory  ...... but you wonder where these thoughts come from! 

      When something crashes, smashes or breaks  ... say a vehicle, a glass cup, a window, ..... there are pieces everywhere, the best glue job in the world isn't going to ever put it back together again like it was ..... When our emotions explode, implode, burst, crash & break we never go back together again like we were ...... sadly no matter how bad we may want everything to do just that.  .... From this experience we are left with residual pieces and residue from the fall out ..... it is at this time, this pivotal point in your life a decision has to be MADE, ..... FACED ...... and DEALT WITH ..... whar are you going to do with the rest of YOUR LIFE??? ...... We can not change anyone around us ..... we only can change us. ...... I recently told a friend who felt they were at a deadend of the road in their life ..... "When the road I'm traveling ends, I dig out a hoe, a shovel, my weed whacker tools and just start making my own road through the jungle of life"  I develop ATTITUDE!

       I have found things I use to like I don't now ..... music I use to listen to doesn't do the same for me as it use to and it is replaced by new music ... Food one of my revolving likes and dislikes ..... tastes change, colors change,  what use to sooth me now annoy's me .... my reactions to sounds change .....
My level of patience evolves & changes ..... all surrounded by ATTITUDES of changes of evolution.